January 2012
1 post
While Watching Jeopardy!
The clue was something along the lines of:
“This African-American tennis player with an alliterative name…”
and Kate yells, “DESMOND TUTU!”
June 2010
1 post
Have you notice most of these are bodily...
“Awww it’s ok Casey! A fart is just your intestines saying ‘hello!’ ” - Kate, to our dog Casey, who very obviously farted while Kate was petting her
April 2010
1 post
“I think I have toilet paper stuck in my ass.”
– Kate
March 2010
5 posts
“I think I just pooped my pants. No, seriously, I feel wet down there.”
– Kate
“Robert Pattinson dying in 9/11, even if its fictitious, is NOT hilarious!”
– Kate
“Did corey haim dying mean nothing to you?”
– Kate
“I hate when they make dog food look good because like, I will eat it!”
January 2010
4 posts
It gets funnier the more you think about it
“So like, he can’t stand her. I mean, he wouldn’t touch her with a two-foot pole.” -Kate
So this happened...
“You know who is sexy? The President of Iran! He was on the cover of the NY Times today and he was in this little hat and I don’t know…he is sexy!”
-Kate
Tuna, con't.
Danielle: So what did you think whenever someone around you was eating a tuna sandwich?
Kate: I thought it was dolphin meat!
Danielle: Where did you get the idea that tuna was dolphin meat?
Kate: It says "dolphin" all over the can!
“Sooo…tuna is dolphin meat, right?”
– Kate, JUST NOW
“I wonder what Bo Obama is doing right now?”
– Kate, apropos of nothing, during the movie “State of Play”
December 2009
5 posts
WOOOOOW
Kate: Who would you rather have sex with, Barack Obama or Nicholas Sarkozy?
Danielle: Barack Obama.
Kate: Okay…. Sasha or Malia?
there are no spelling errors in this conversation
Kate: What about the acopolypse?
Danielle: I love that after all these years you still can't pronounce "apocalypse." I swear, you're dyslexic.
Kate: I don't read words backwords, I'm don't have DYYLEXIA!
“You guys, I look like I have meth mouth.”
– Kate, after a part of her filling came out
While we're eating porkchops
Kate: What do you think human tastes like?
Aja & Danielle: …
Kate: What?! I’d do it!
November 2009
5 posts
Kate: Do you guys have any laxatives?
Aja & Danielle: No.
Kate: I CAN'T COUNT ON YOU GUYS FOR ANYTHING!!!!!
Kate, on the reproductive system
Kate: OK, so you know how we have eggs inside us? Like little babies? Like little uteruses?
Danielle & Aja: LLOLOLLOLJOLOLOLOMGOMGOMGOMLOLOL
Kate: No, OK. I know. You know how we have an unfertilized egg and we shed it every month in our menstrual cycle? Isn't that an abortion?
Danielle: I'm entering you in the special olympics.
Kate, continuing: Isn't that why they don't want to use stem cells? Because that's a baby?
Danielle: KATE, YOU CANNOT MAKE A BABY FROM STEM CELLS.
Kate: Ooooooooh.
“I’m a switch hitter!”
– Kate
“I think I’m hitting my sexual peak.”
– Kate
“I would shit and pee all over the guy.”
– Kate, regarding tandem skydiving
October 2009
7 posts
During the commercial for "Invictus"
Kate: Oh, I didn’t know Morgan Freedman was playing Pele in a movie.
Danielle: *covers head* Oh man.
Kate: Oh no. What? What did I say wrong? Oh god…I knew that. I knew it. Whatever it was that I said wrong, I knew that. Oh my god!
Danielle: He isn’t Pele, Kate. He is supposed to be Nelson Mandela.
Kate: ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Kate tries to name all the U.S. States
Kate: Where is Milwaukee? Milwaukee, Minnesota, right? Right?
Danielle: No. TRY AGAIN.
Kate: Wisconsin? Oh god, SAME THING! Can I name all the states? Should we try? Ok, test me!
Danielle: Ok, go. I’ll tell you if you’re right.
Kate: Alabama, Arkansas…um..Alaska! Umm…that’s it for “A.”
Danielle: Nope…one more.
Kate: Really? Hmm…well I...
That's what he said!
Danielle, about cookies: What if one accidentally falls in my mouth?
Kate: That's what he said! Haha!
Aja: ...is "he" gay?
“Like Avril Lavigne, he just GETS me.”
– Kate, once again talking about Zac Efron as High School Musical’s underage theater/basketball stud Troy Bolton, singing “Scream.”
“This is my favorite song. Not just on this album, but of all time.”
– Kate, talking about “Scream” on the High School Musical 3 soundtrack.
Kate gives us a thorough tour
Kate: And over there is the Stony Brook hospital. If you're pregnant, don't have your baby there. They kill babies.
Aja & Danielle: What?!
Kate: They will kill your baby there.
Aja: Okay, please explain that.
Kate: Well in school one time we went on a tour of the hospital and this woman had five babies--quintuplets, right?
Aja: And how many of them died?
Kate: None.
Aja: What? Then where are you getting this from? Was there something about baby deaths in the paper? Did you read it in an article?
Kate: I think I heard like... People have said that, okay?
Aja & Danielle: ...
Kate: Fine, have your baby there! It's gonna die!
Kate: So I was telling everyone at work today how you had sex with that guy you barely know…
Me: Kate! So you basically told everybody in your office that I’m a slut??
Kate: Not everybody!! Just two people!
September 2009
21 posts
“When we have our party it will be like everyone is having anal sex with me...”
– Kate
“That’s what I should do if I’m getting raped—fart!”
– Kate
Kate asks for directions, part 2
Man: You know what a roundabout is, right?
Kate: YES.
*Kate rolls the car window up*
Kate: I have no idea what a roundabout is.
Kate asks for directions
Kate: Sir, can you tell me where the corner of Orkard and Delankey is?
Man: Say what?
Danielle: Orchard and Delancey.
“Guys, I’ve given up on my plantar’s wart.”
– Kate
She was an English major
Danielle: We were talking about how Margaret Thatcher used to be known as “Margaret Thatcher, Milk Snatcher” because she took away free milk for students in the UK. *blank stare from Kate* Danielle: You know who Margaret Thatcher is, right? Kate: YES, God! She wrote “Gone With The Wind” editor’s note: To make this even funnier, we were living in London at the time.
“No, I’m sorry, but a lot of people are going to agree with me on that.”
– Kate, on the below quote about owls being in a Soho alley
“Did you hear those owls outside last night? We definitely have an owl in the...”
– Kate, after mistakenly hearing what she thought were owls in the alley behind our apartment in Soho, NYC.
THEY WERE PIGEONS.
Kate Discovers Gchat
Danielle: kate just sent me the two funniest emails in history. i made her sign up for gmail. so she emails my job to tell me “i don’t get it i hate it im not doing it.” so I sign into gmail and i see two emails from her. the first one says, “i hate it.” the next one says, “hello? are we chatting? is this chat?”
Later, on Gchat:
Kate: i don’t like,...
While doing a crossword puzzle
Danielle: The clue is “wild hybrid cats.”
Kate: Cherokee!
Danielle and Aja: …
Kate: That’s a kind of Indian.
“Oh, I thought his name was Valkyrie!”
– Kate, after seeing Valkyrie
“You’re welcome.”
– Kate, in response to the cashier at the Dollar Store who said, “Hi, how are you?”
Watching a scene in 'Room 1408' where police...
Kate: All this for one fire?
Aja: Uh…yeah. It’s a fire. You wouldn’t want to evacuate if the apartment upstairs caught on fire?
Kate: It just seems like a lot of fuss.
Aja: You work for the Fire Officers Association.
“He’s HOT!”
– Kate, on a photo of my grandfather, whispered after my grandmother left the room
"I gave all my singles to the toilet." - Kate,...
“I googled “poop” today. You don’t even want to know what I...”
– Kate
Kate loves John Irving
For some reason, a few days ago Kate and I were at the Wikipedia page for the author John Irving. There’s a chart and some text about some of the disturbing recurring themes he uses. Aja: Whoa, Hotel New Hampshire has rape, gang rape, older woman/younger man, incest, homosexuality, lesbianism, and beastiality. Kate: Ooooh, I’d love to read that one!
“I love my Pleasures and I just can’t control myself!”
– Kate, on her perfume
The Pizza Chronicles
When we lived in East Williamsburg, Brooklyn we always ordered pizza from the same place and would get the same delivery man. Kate hated him for absolutely no reason. One day I answered the door for him and Kate YELLS in front of the open door and basically in the guy’s face:
“IS THAT THE PIZZA GUY? TELL HIM TO EAT MY PENIS!”
“I would totally eat out of a garbage can.”
– Kate
Meanwhile, in the grocery store...
Kate: Is this Kenny G? I LOVE Kenny G!
Me: OMG, who says that?
Kate (very matter of factly): Kenny G fans.